LoZ: What is This Crap?: Toilet Story
by SquareRootofNine
Summary: A hilarious parody of Twilight Princess.
1. Chapter 1

**The Legend of Zelda: What is This Crap?: Toilet Story**

_*Disclaimer* I do not own The Legend of Zelda or any of the characters with the exeption of the SFX guy and others. Enjoy._

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Ranchin' Goats<strong>

Somewhere in a parallel universe that's not the one where the plot takes place:

Intro Guy: *sigh* A long time ago, in a place far away from here...Do I really have to do this?

Moi: Yes.

IG: Why? It's not important! Besides, most readers don't even care about this intro crap anyway.

Moi: Because I like torturing you. Now stop complaining.

IG: Fine. I'm going to make this brief. Basically there was this green guy who beat up an evil guy with a cool sword. Can I have lunch now?

Moi: Y'know, if you're going to be so apathetic, I will just have to lower your salary!

IG: You don't even pay me!

Moi: Good point. I don't care! As of now, your salary is now negative twenty dollars an hour. That means you have to pay me $20 every hour!

IG: This argument is getting old.

Moi: This intro was a huge waste of time...

Meanwhile, in our protagonist's universe:

Link and Rusl are sitting by a pond eating doughnuts.

Rusl: They say it's the only time when our world intersects with theirs...Cool, isn't it?

Link: Yeah it's cool I guess..._I couldn't care less_. (looks at his nonexistant watch) Oh, look at the time. Gotta go.

Rusl: For what?

Link: Y'know, my JOB? The one at the ranch? Did you bang your head or something?

Rusl: Nope, I'm just stupid. Oh yeah, you have to deliver some crappy sheild and sword to Hyrule, just incase you didn't know that already.

Link: Great! I'll grab my stuff!

-akward silence-

Rusl: Don't ever quote from the CDi games again.

Link: *sigh* Fado's gonna kill me. Bye!

Link: Where can I find one of those grass thingies? *revelation* Found it!

He picks it up and starts whistling. You readers are probably thinking that Epona's going to come running to Link, right? Well...not exactly. He gets a pretty rude awakening when he instead finds himself being teleported.

Link: What the Q is going on here? I don't remember walking to the Q'ing ranch!

Fado: Hey! You're late! Stop messing around with that piece of grass and start ranching those goats! And do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Link: Well, that's one problem solved. But where's my horse?

Epona:_ I'm right here you dumbasqxvyp!_

Link: (completly unaware of what his horse just said) Epona! Let's go.

He saddles up and begins riding around trying but epically failing at getting the goats into the barn. It took two minutes just to get the first one in.

SFX Guy: GOAT IN!

Link: Shut the Q up. Who are you?

SFX Guy: The PO of PO told me to follow you around and stuff.

Link: Well don't!

With each successive goat, Link's performance improved linearly.

With each successive GOAT IN! from the SFX guy, his annoyance meter increased exponentially.

Needless to say, he finishes, although with agrivation, agitation, and exaustion.

Link: *omg tired sigh* I'm exausted.

Fado: Since you performed oh so marvelously awesome today, I'm letting you have a day or two off.

Link: Okay. Bye! (leaves).

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><p>This chapter is brought to you by Malo Mart. If you're smart, buy something at Malo Mart!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Those Q'ing Fetch Quests!**

It was one bright, peaceful, sunny morning. Then Link's alarm clock went off despite the fact that they shouldn't have alarm clocks and the radio started blaring despite the fact that they shouldn't have radio.

Link's Not Alarm: Now it's time for our next segment, "Don't You Just Love Anachronisms?" I love...

Link: *yawn* Good morning, readers.

He gets dressed in whatever his outfit is and goes outside. Much to his convenience (not), Malo, Talo, and Beth were waiting there.

Talo: They're selling a slingshot at the shop plz buy it for us plz plz plz!

Malo: Yeah. That would be awesome. *evil grin*

Beth: You two are such boys!

Link: No. I'm smart enough to know that if I let any one of you, more specifically Talo, run around with a slingshot, someone's going to end up with a seed in their nuts before long.

The kids watched him walk off.

Link: Oh, alright. I'll buy the stupid slingshot. For me, though...

He heads over to Sera's shop and noted the slingshot on the shelf. Unfortunately, Sera had her mind on other things, mostly dealing with her missing cat.

Sera: I'm busy moping about my cat. Go away.

Link: Fine! (walks out disappointed). What now?

Uli: My cradle! Some monkey decided to steal it! Oh Link, you have to get it back!

Link: *facepalms* I guess I have no choice.

Link apathetically hops across a few ledges with relative ease and spots a patch of hawk grass. He picks up a leaf and somehow produces a sound.

Link: If this grass has any twisted functions to it, this is going to be one long adventure.

Sadly, no unexpected effects. A hawk flies down and lands on his arm. Link points it towards the monkey and lets it go. The hawk swipes the cradle as he passes by, makes a round trip, does a barrel roll, and drops the cradle on the ground. Link restores the cradle to Uli.

Uli: Thanks! I'll give you this fishing rod as a present!

SFX Guy and Choir: DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Link: *omg apathy* Thanks. (turns and sees SFX guy and his choir) Will you get lost already?

SFX Guy and Choir: Awww...

Link then spots Sera's cat attempting to paw fish out of the river. How convenient. Link walks over, pulls out his new toy, and casts it. Two tries later, he got his first catch, but the cat stole it and went back into the shop.

Link: Hey! I worked for that catch...Hey! Now I can buy that slingshot!

He heads over to the shop, and sure enough, the cat was there. The shop was back in business.

Sera: So what do you want to buy?

Link: I'll take that slingshot.

Sera: Aren't you too old for toys? Well, I guess it doesn't matter. I'd rather give it to a responsible person like you instead of a spontaneous troublemaker like Talo. Oh yeah, and take this bottle of milk for finding my cat.

SFX guy leans right in Link's ear as he is paying for the slingshot and whispers the item get theme. Link, having no sword, punches him in the gut, knocking him unconscious.

Finished with his errands, Link heads back to his house only to find the kids again.

Talo: Didja get the slingshot?

Link: Maybe...

Malo: I know you did cuz I was following you around all day. Sera called Talo a spontaneous troublemaker.

Talo: (shoots up, coming in close proximity to Link's face) Wanna do some target practice?

Link: No, but I probably have to anyway, so let's just get this over with.

After shooting all the targets, Link cimbs up to his house and is met with another suprise: a wooden sword. He ventures back outside again.

Talo: Oooh! Can you show us some sword moves? There's some monkeys out in the woods that keep pranking us! We wanna get 'em good!

Link: No. I've had enough of this Q'ing tutorial crap.

Kids: *gasp*

Link: Sorry. Slipped out.

Talo: Please just give us the sword?

Link: No. It's my sword.

Malo: I'll tickle you.

Link: Alright fine you win keep the sword just don't tickle me!

Talo: Victory!

The kids run off into the woods. You readers may be wondering why Colin isn't in this chapter. He's not important to the plot of the chapter, so...

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><p>This chapter is brought to you by Lon Lon Milk. Drink more milk.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Monkey Madness And Some Horses**

After the kids headed into the woods, Link ended up following them atop Epona because he doesn't want them hurt. He soon comes across Beth along the pathway to Faron Woods.

Beth: Those boys went charging after that monkey like crazy people!

Link: Because that's what they are. No change whatsoever. I wonder if monkey groups rival each other...Hey! There's my sword!

Link picks up the sword and sheaths it.

Link: Now I can head through this cave! Although, it's a bit dark.

He sets out on foot to maneuver through the cave, which was immensely difficult due to the lack of light. Along the way, he ends up falling into a Deku Baba's mouth, gets mauled, spit out, and chewed on by several Keese before actually slashing them. Ouch.

Link: Note to self: remember to wash clothes.

Emerging from the dark cave and immediately blinded with the light of the sun, he proceeds to a crossroad with a sign.

Sign: Notice to Stupid Travelers: Stay away from the cave ahead if you don't have a lantern. Come buy a lantern at the =this way!

Link: Well, that's helpful. Although the "stupid" part is very inaccurate.

Link then proceeds to mutilate the sign with his sword for no reason. He then goes the =that way and sees a guy with an afro.

Link: Yo, Bro! Nice fro!

Coro: I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT! JUST CUZ I HAVE AN AFRO DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M A 1970'S DISCO DUDE! Sorry, name's Coro. I sell Lanterns!

Link: Yeah, I kinda figured that out. I'll take one. How much?

Coro: I give 'em out free as a business tactic. Here ya go.

SFX Guy: DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Link punches him in the gut again. He then buys a refill of oil just for safety measure. Or to use as explosives when things aren't going so well. Your pick.

With his filled Lantern, Link heads back into the cave. Two and a half Deku Babas later, he comes across a web and burns it. Then he exited the cave into another clearing.

Link: Oh noes.

After chopping three Bokoblins in half with beaucoup de Z-targeting and walking across a giant tree branch, Link comes across a cage holding Talo and a monkey. He proceeds toward the cage, but two more Bokoblins drop down from nowhere.

Bokoblin #1: Dude, this guy's just walking towards his death, man.

Bokoblin #2: Yeah, dude. We're gonna totally RUIN him.

Silly Bokoblins. Obviously y'all don't know a thing about Link, because if you did, you'd know not to mess with him. Plus, he's got a sword, and y'all have flimsy necks. Connecting the dots?

Bokoblin #1: Dude, we totallly got our heads chopped off, man.

Bokoblin #2: I know, dude.

Once they were dead, Link does a spin attack on the cage. This frees the captives.

Talo: OhMyGoshLet'sDoThatAgain!

Link: By the way, where's Malo?

Malo: I was standing in the bushes evilly watching Talo get owned.

Link: You are such an evil child. Let's all go home.

Some time later...

Ilia: You're back! (inspects Epona) You hurt her again didn't you? Jumping fences, probably. HOW COULD YOU? *breaks into tears*

Mayor Bo: Don't worry, readers. She's always like this.

Ilia: Stop breaking the fourth wall! C'mon Epona, I'm taking you to the healing spring.

Link: Hey, wait! You can't just take my horse!

Ilia: Yes I can.

Link: Oh come on!

A while later, after Link traverses the path to the spring...

Colin: Link!

Ilia: If you think you're going to get your horse back so easily, I suggest you forget it! I'm not giving her back unless you change your attitude!

Link: This lady is crazy.

Colin: I know. *whisper* If you really want your horse back, you can sneak around via that conveniently placed hole in the wall there.

Link: Thanks.

Link crawls through the hole and comes out in the spring.

Ilia: All right. I give up. You can have her back. Just promise me that you'll come home safely, alright?

Link: ...Wait, what? I didn't get anything you were saying. I was thinking about the monsters who are going to come here right about...

KB: *Blows on horn* Did someone say monsters? Ram 'em, Scruffy!

King Bulbin rides in with a pack of other bulbins following behind. He begins eating doughnuts while the other two bulbins whack Link with a club and nick Ilia in the back with an arrow. Then they grab the children.

KB: Ridin' away, Scruffy! *blows horn*

A black portal of swirling black toilet death appears in the sky.

After the commotion, Link finally wakes up.

Link: Where's everyone? Oh yeah, the monster thingy.

His eyes settle on a path, and he decides to go look in the village. Unfortunately, a giant black wall with awesome looking designs loomed over him; in other words, a dead end.

Link: *looks really really really really really really really really-

GIANT HAND!

Link: *shocked*

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><p>This chapter is brought to you by Nachos. 75% recycled for a better barfing experience. Now with actual nachos!<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Imma Wolf!**

Link awakens in a cell with nothing but dust and debris. The place, rather damp, had a little mold growing in the corner. Recalling the past events, he remembers writhing in the grasp of an unidentifiable black figure. He remembers feeling pain, but the situation registers in his mind when he looks down at his front paws. Wait...paws?

Link: Great. Just great. I'm stuck in some sort of castle or something without food, water, or company. As a wolf. Now I suppose some sort of Pixie is going to show-

Midna: Hiya! Eee hee hee! Did I scare you?

Link: Not exactly what I had in mind by a pixie.

Midna: I'M NOT A PIXIE! Now I'm just going to stand here on the other side of these bars *fazes through bars* and watch you dig your way out of this mess.

Link: HEY! No fair! How come the hero never gets any cool powers?

Midna: First of all, I'm Twilli and can do that. Second, it's because giving the bad guys all the cool powers makes the game harder and that's what the developers want.

Link: What game? Because I'm pretty sure this isn't a game.

In the PO of PO's universe:

Moi: Ha ha! DIE you stupid Bulbins! *mortal draw*

Link's Universe:

Midna: Forget it.

Link uses his newly wolfish senses to sniff out an area of loose dirt and digs, ending up on the other side of the bars. Midna seizes him.

Midna: I think I like you, so I think I'll get you out of here. But you need to do *Pulls back Link's ear* EXACTLY what I say.

Link: So I'm going to be your slave?

Midna: Pretty much. Would you do it for THIS? *Pulls out tennis ball*

Link: *Begging* YES! Just gimme the ball!

Two hours later...

Link: I think we're lost. We've been wandering these sewers *shudder* for hours.

He rips apart yet another twilight monster, watches two more aluminum cans float by, and sees a ring suspended from the ceiling.

Midna: Lemme at that ring! Jump off that ledge!

Link jumps off the ledge and Midna grabs the ring with her handy grabby thingy on her head. The water level then rises.

Link: Yeah! Now we have the means to cross those spikes over there!

Link swims over the spikes and arrives at a gate. Midna fazes through the bars (again).

Midna: Let's see you get over here. Eee hee hee!

Link's eyes wander over to a now submerged hole in the wall. He swims over to a side walkway, tuns a corner, and runs until he reaches a dead end, noting another ring identical to the one they had seen before. He jumps off the ledge just like before and miraculously manages to grab hold of the ring with his mouth. His weight causes the chain to lower and makes the water level drop again.

Link: That was exhausting.

Link runs back to where Midna was and goes through the hole.

Midna: That took way too long.

Link and Midna proceed and find a room with a spiral staircase. Link tries to jump one of the gaps in the stairs, but he epically fails.

Midna: What are you doing? I guess I have to do everything for you.

She warps over to the other end of the gap and signals for Link to jump over. The absence of Midna's weight allows him to clear the gap with ease. After several similar instances, they finally reach the top. They head through the window that leads outside.

Once outside, Link notes the strange atmosphere; a faint, orange glow stippled with tiny, black particles penetrated the air. The rooftops held an uncanny resemblance to a castle's.

Midna: Just a little farther! There's someone I want you to meet.

Link runs across a long rooftop and senses a spirit.

Soldier Spirit: WROAR! I WANT A MORE IMPORTANT ROLE IN THIS STORY!

Link: Let's just ignore him.

Link pushes a crate to help get atop a higher ledge, then continues running across rooftops. After a minute, he looks back to see that he's being chased. By giant birds. With laser guns. (Just kidding)

Link: AHHH! Get these pesky things off of me! *Bashes one with his head*

Midna: *Burp* Do it yourself. And by the way, they're called Kargarocs. *Eats doughnut*

Link: Grr. You're useless.

Once all five Kargarocs were taken down, Link continues through another window and runs up a staircase. He proceeds through an open door, only to come face to face with a mysterious cloaked figure.

?: Hero, I have been waiting for you.

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><p>This chapter is brought to you by Barnes' Bombs.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Zelda's Flashback**

The cloaked figure slowly unveiled its hood to reveal a beautiful girl with blonde hair.

Zelda: Hello, chosen one. My name is Zelda. Although I wasn't expecting a wolf to be the chosen one.

Link: Zelda? As in the princess of Hyrule? And the one who this series is named for?

Zelda just hears him barking.

Midna: He was transformed by the power of Twilight. Do you mind telling us the story of how you failed your kingdom, Ms. _Twilight Princess?_

Zelda: Don't make a title drop pun of my name. Anyways, it all started like...whatever. Just roll the tape.

A television screen comes down from the ceiling.

-Flashback Scene Time-

Soldiers: We're just gunna stand here for no reason! It's not like some person with a weird helmet is going to come in and seize the castle or anything!

Zant: Nyar har har! I will now sieze the castle!

Soldiers: *totally wimp out* Eek!

Zant uses his awesome bad guy magic to kill all of the soldiers.

Zelda's voice: Once I found out that all of the soldiers had been killed, I knew there was no hope.

Zant: Nyar har...huh? Whose voice is that? And how DARE you interupt my moment!

Zelda: Zant, this is a flashback. You're not supposed to pay any attention to my voice.

Zant: Oh yeah. As I was saying, Nyar har har...har...har...har...har...rah rah rayN-

Zelda: Midna! Give me the remote!

Midna: *hands over remote* Aww man.

Zant walks over to where Zelda is standing.

Zant: Nyar har! You have two choices! Surrender, and I won't hurt you directly!

Zelda's Voice: Knowing I had no other choice, I dropped my sword and surrendered.

-End Flashback-

Zelda: And that's what happened.

Zelda's eyes flash to a sleeping Link, curled up on the ground.

Zelda: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT THROUGH MY ENTIRE FLASHBACK!

Midna: You have a bad temper.

Zelda: I KNOW!

Zelda's outburst causes Link to wake up from his sleep.

Link: Oh my gosh Midna! I just had the weirdest dream! A talking tree died, I nearly got strangled by a Goron, and I got engaged to A Q'ING FISH! How weird is that?

Midna: Stop making a really bad reference to Ocarina of Time.

Link: Whatever. Can we go now? Midna promised me a tennis ball, and right now that seems very satisfying.

Midna: Who said anything about a tennis ball?

Link: You did. In the last chapter.

Zelda: Just get out of here so I can stand here for the whole first part of the game.

Link and Midna: Fine.

Link and Midna finally leave the room and travel down the stairs, only to hear someone's (or something's) faint footsteps.

Midna: Someone's coming! Look for an exit, quickly!

Link's eyes immediately shoot up to a window high up on the wall. He freaks out for a few seconds, then realizes that Midna can help him reach it. After they manage to make it up to the ledge, they exit back into the ominous atmosphere of the twilight.

Link: So where's my tennis ball?

Midna: I...ugh, fine. I'll give it to you. (throws tennis ball)

Link: YAY! (mauls tennis ball)

Midna: I know you're looking for those kids, so I am going to warp you to the village so we can get some stuff done. So I'll need you to cooperate, Eee hee hee.

Link: Will there be tennis balls?

Midna: Maybe...

Link: I'm in!

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><p>This chapter is brought to you by Barnes' Bombs! Who cares about slogans? Bring on the explosives!<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Stealth in the Village**

Midna's teleportation sends them both to the Ordon Spring. To Link's surprise, however, he had not changed one bit.

Link: Why do I have to stay like this! We're out of the Q'ing Twilight, and I'm STILL a wolf! Y'know, this fur coat has no air conditioning!

Midna: Watch your mouth! You'll get your old form back eventually, Eee Hee. But right now, I want stuff. How are you going to defend yourself as a human with no sword or shield? And air conditioning doesn't even exist in this world!

Link: Good point. Times three.

Link bolts off for the village that was once his home, excited only at the thought of being human again.

He comes back several seconds later with a bunch of bloody scratches and the fur on his front right leg completely singed off.

Midna: What happened?

-Flashback-

Link: So I just have to-

Hanch: AHHH! Monster! I'll never forgive you for what you've done to the kids! *Plays on some grass*

Link: Wait! I'm not a-

He realizes his words are fruitless as a falcon descends and begins its pursuit.

-End Flashback-

Midna: That explains it. But how exactly does a falcon singe off half your fur?

Link: I don't know!

After minutes of Midna trying but failing to push Link off of his back and get him moving, he finally gets the courage (via tennis ball) to head back into the village. This time WITH Midna.

Ten minutes of mindless wandering later, they eventually find Mayor Bo and Jaggle having a conversation.

Midna: How incredibly convenient! And there's a cardboard box right there! Like the PO of PO wants you to eavesdrop on them or something!

Me: Finally. I haven't been mentioned in this chapter yet. Even though I could technically just mention myself since I'm the author. Whatever.

Link says nothing as he climbed into the cardboard box that shouldn't even be there in the first place. It didn't help that it was labeled "Just an ordinary cardboard box".

Mayor Bo: So the sword is in Rusl's house that will not be differentiated in this fanfic, and I understand that the shield is at your place, correct?

Jaggle: Yep.

Mayor Bo: Go get it for me because I'm cool like that.

Jaggle: Ok. *runs off*

Midna: Well, at least we have a clue as to where they are.

Link stretches a little too far and causes the box to move a little. The subaudible noise startles Mayor Bo.

Mayor Bo: *turns around* Oh. It's just a cardboard box.

Link took off running in response to the sudden booming of his voice with the box still cloaking him.

Mayor Bo: Well, I'll be! It's a _moving_ cardboard box! What a relief. I thought it would be a monster or something.

Several moments later, they come across an open window. It seemed so vulnerable, like the villagers weren't expecting another attack.

Midna: You thought Bo was stupid? Ugh! This village is full of idiots.

Link: You're such a deadpan snarker.

Midna: Well, you're Genre Savvy.

Link: Whatever.

They climb through the window and spot the shield on the wall. Once Link manages to reach it, he pounces into the wall twice to dislodge it.

Link: Well, that was way too easy!

He moves to grab the shield, but he couldn't help but feel someone else breathing down his neck as he reaches for it. Deciding to just get on with it, he grabs the shield and...

SFX Guy: DA DA DA DAAAAAAAA!

Link growls and bars his teeth at SFX Guy, then pounces into him, knocking him unconcious.

Midna: Who was that guy?

Link: The SFX Guy. I don't like him.

Midna: I can see why.

They exit the building and press onward in the direction of Rusl and Uli's house. They stand by the door, but nobody seems to notice Link as he slips past and digs his way through the ground into the house.

Link: Breaking and entering FTW! Now where is that sword...

His eyes wander over to the sword IN PLAIN SIGHT on the ground. He picks up the sword with his mouth and is suprised when the SFX guy isn't there to torment him.

Link: You're right. These villagers really are stupid. _It's funny how I hadn't realized that before..._

The two head back out to Ordon Spring, and Link starts nagging Midna for another tennis ball as he paws at the clear water. Suddenly, a feeling of dread came over them both.

Link: I feel something. Something bad's gunna happen, I know it.

Suddenly, a black void appears and a weird shadow creature falls out.

Link: What the Q is that thing?

Midna: That's a shadow beast. Whatever you want to call them.

Link: Ok. That's generic.

SB: Yo. I've been instructed to kill you by the great Zant.

Link: Not if I do first. (Bites SB) Ugh. That doesn't taste good.

Once he defeats the beast, the spring returns to its former peaceful state. Then, a burst of bright light bombards their eyes as the form of a goat materializes.

Ordona: Greetings, hero. I'm going to skip the long, drawn out dialogue and get straight to the point. You have to save Hyrule by revitalizing all of the light spirits across the land. Maybe if you head for Faron Woods you can regain your human form. I know that sounded stupid, but why don't you try to explain the hero's long journey in two or three sentences. It's not my fault that the PO of PO makes me say this kind of stuff. _I'm probably mindscrewing the readers right now._

Link: I have a feeling I don't have any choice. Fine, I'll go.

Midna: I ordinarily would be standing back here eating doughnuts while you did the dirty work, but you need me to enter the twilight, so I guess I have no choice either. Darn.

The two trek up towards the wall of twilight and Midna does her giant hand thing.

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><p>This chapter is brought to you by Mr. Bun Bunz. Yelo thing they warps yo in2 a mr bun bunz. This chapter sponsor made absolutely no sense!<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Extermination in the Woods**

Heading into the Twilight-Engulfed Faron Woods was rather uneventful, but once they arrived in the provincial Light Spring, a sense of dread befell them. Suddenly, three of the shadow beasts from the last chapter fell from the sky.

Midna begins eating doughnuts.

Midna: You can handle this yourself, can't you? Eee Hee.

Link: Ugh. _Why the Q am I traveling with this imp?_

Link proceeds to bite the heck out of the shadow beasts, and fells the first with no problem. He kills the second just as easily, but soon after, the third lets out a deafening roar. Link glances around the battlefield. All three were now revitalized and ready to kill.

Midna: BUUUUURP! Fine. I'll help.

Working as a team, Link and Midna defeat all of the beasts by surrounding them with an energy field.

Once the beasts were cleared away, they approach the Faron Spring.

Link squints, waiting for the scintillating burst of light that never happened. Instead, a voice emanates from the spring.

Faron's Voice: Look, I'll save the stereotypical Deku Tree prophetic mumbo jumbo until AFTER I've rematerialized. Right now, you need to collect sixteen tears of light, which will somehow magically restore my light or whatever. So make with it, Mr. Hero!

Link: Talk about rude. I'll get the tears.

Faron's Voice: Alright. I'll give you this random plot mcguffin that serves no purpose than to appear on the right side of the screen and show you how many tears you've collected!

Link: Why are you talking about this as if it's a game? And why'd you give it to me if you think it's so useless?

Faron's Voice: Don't question the logic of the PO of PO. Just go get me those tears so I can become a giant monkey thing again.

Link: Fine.

Link heads off to start his extermination.

He encounters his first two bugs in plain sight along the path. At first, he isn't sure what to do as the electric insects swoop up out of reach. But once he gets the timing down he is able to successfully bring down the bugs and collect their tears.

The search then brings him near the place he remembers to be Coro's house. It takes no longer than a split second for him to find the third bug stuck to the crudely fabricated dwelling in front of him. He rams his head into the structure to dislodge the creature, and just as easily kills it, taking the tear.

Link soon locates a cowering Coro, huddled up on a stack of boxes in the corner of the building.

Coro: These bugs are scaring the jeebers out of me!

Two previously hidden bugs suddenly leap out of the ground, as if it was scripted or something. Link springs into action and soon, the two pests were gone.

Coro: Well, it looks like those bugs just killed themselves! Things are just getting stranger and stranger...

Link: Well, darn. He doesn't notice me.

Link travels towards a fence, which he gracefully digs under, and spots two more bugs. He quickly extracts their tears in a record of six seconds.

Soon, their travels bring them to a giant clearing covered with a mysterious purple fog. One look at it is just enough of a warning as it is, but of course Midna has to go point it out.

Midna: Better not fall into that fog. It's probably poisonous.

Link: Obviously. Just look at that stuff. It's PURPLE!

Midna guides Link over tree branches, fallen tree branches, and just plain trees. Along the way, Link almost gets mauled by what he guessed was the Twilight counterpart of a Deku Baba and falls down twice (thankfully on land). A swinging log just barely misses Link's tail as he leaps across the gap. After the hectic journey, they have a total of fourteen tears.

Emerging from the clearing with a sigh of relief, Link barely has time to react before three more shadow beasts corner him. He takes them down in much the same way as before. As Link ascends through what he deems to be a giant tree, he locates the final two bugs, tormenting a monkey. Not really giving a thought to the monkey, he dispatches the insects and collects the tears. Suddenly, he feels himself tingling a little, and a flash of light ensues. Then he finds himself back at the Faron Spring.

Faron: Thanks for that. Now you will have to listen to me babble about your "destiny" or whatever. You are garbed in the legendary cloth of heros. Just a little tip: You may need to wash them soon. You have no idea what I went through to get those.

Link: Wait a minute. You changed my CLOTHES?

Faron: Actually, you were-

Midna: Ok, that's enough.

Link: And they smell like nachos!

-A Link to the Past-

OoT Link: Hey readers! I'm eating Nachos while riding a horse!

Epona: *neigh*

OoT LInk: Oops.

-Back to the future-

Link: Whatever. At least I'm a human again.

Faron: Anyways, you should probably head off to the forest temple now. Just look at the red circle thingy on your map.

Link: Fine. Let's just end off the chapter here.

Midna: Ok.

* * *

><p>This chapter is brought to you by Beedle! Come and buy something from him because he doesn't want to have to petal his airship for no reason! (Skyward Sword)<p>

PS: I used Barnes' Bombs twice. Sorry about that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Road to the Forest Temple**

After leaving the spring, Link and Midna travel forwards until they reach a locked gate.

Link: Well, crap. This Q'ing gate is blocking the way and I can't just dig under it like I did last time. There's gotta be another way!

Midna: Did you try checking for a key?

Link: I have an idea! I'll check my handy dandy notebook!

Midna: *Stares*

Link: Uhh...I meant this cool looking guide right here!

Link pulls out a player's guide and a permanent marker, draws a mustache on Zant and Ilia, and flips to page 43.

Link: Coro has the key!

Midna: Better put that away before SHE sees it.

Me: Alright, gimme that! (takes player's guide)

Link: Well darn. I payed Tingle 50 whole rupees for that!

Link walks over to the clearing where Coro usually sits. A few seconds later, he comes back with the key.

Midna: Did you just pickpocket the guy? Some hero you are.

Link: Yep. Nobody even cares anyway, because this is all just some story posted on the internet.

They proceed to the area with the poison fog.

Link: You've gotta be kidding. It's still here? *Becomes mesmerized by the purple fog*

Midna suddenly slaps him on the back.

Midna: You moron! While you were staring off into space, a monkey stole your lantern!

Link: But I thought I put it on my belt! Anyways, you're probably right, we need to follow it.

The two (or rather just Link, since Midna hides in his shadow) walk over towards the monkey, who beckons them to follow. The monkey waves the lantern in the air, causing the purple fog to part within a 3 meter radius. They persevere through over nine thousand hours of following and killing various enemies, and eventually get to the end.

Link: Hey! My Lantern! Aww...it's empty! Crap!

Midna: Didn't you buy that one bottle of oil that Coro was selling even though none of the readers recall the PO of PO even mentioning it?

Link: Yeah. (fills up lantern) OMG SHINY!

Wild WOLF appeared! Wild WOLF used TACKLE! This statement has no point in even being in an LoZ fanfic because it's related to Pokemon instead!

There is a flash of light, and Link finds himself in a mysterious, dream-like environment.

Hero's Shade: Please don't be scared of my presence. All I'm here to do is get asymptotically close to killing you, and then expect you to mimic it.

Link: HEY! Aren't you that guy? That one guy?

HS: Clarify "That one guy".

Link: Are you the hero of time?

HS: Not in this fanfic. I'm just a random skeleton dude here to teach you incredibly epic sword moves. Are we ready to begin?

Link: Ummm...Yeah, I suppose...

HS: Good. The first skill you need to learn is called the Ending Blow. It lets you kill things by stabbing them in a very sensitive area. All you have to do is knock the enemy on its back, and stab him in THAT area.

HS then proceeds to jam his sword into Link's...don't make me explain it. Link howls in pain despite the fact that he isn't feeling any.

HS: Now show me the same.

Link: But you're a skeleton! You don't even have a-

HS: I don't care. Assume.

Link mimics the actions almost flawlessly, although unwillingly.

HS: Very good. It seems you are certainly capable of performing my lost art. Whatever that means.

A flash of light later, Link awakens on a carpet of moss and grass and sits up, relieved.

Link: I never want to do that again.

Midna: Well, too bad. Every time something like this happens in a story, it's bound to happen again. Besides, look at the bright side! Soon, we'll be going into a temple in which we'll have to find a bunch of keys, get an item, get more keys, fight a miniboss, get a big key, and fight a real boss! Doesn't that sound fun?

Link: No. I have no choice, though. Let's go.

He burns a web despite the fact that spider webs aren't flammable and enters the forest temple.

* * *

><p>This Chapter is brought to you by the postman. He continues to deliver pointless letters despite the fact that everyone would probably have more fun watching him run off the edge of Kakariko Gorge and glitch the game.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: The Forest Temple and Old Memories**

As Link walks into the humid depths of the forest temple, his contemplation is broken by a strident shriek.

Monkey #1: Please help! I'm stuck in a cage and you probably don't even understand me!

Link: I have no idea where that noise is coming from, but I don't like the atmosphere of this place.

Midna: At least it's not some dank and dreary place filled with mushrooms.

Link: Yeah, true. _Where is that screeching coming from?_

Monkey #1: Seriously, you green-clad idiot! Don't you see me stuck in this Q'ing cage here?

Link: Oh! There's a cage with a monkey!

Link then spin-attacks the cage, freeing the monkey. As Link starts to exit the room, the monkey begs to follow.

Link: This is going to be one long chapter.

- Later in the temple -

Link: What the Q? These bug/bomb things are not cooperating!

Link desperately carries one from an adjacent platform and aims it at a monstrous plant below.

Midna: Never been one for basketball, huh?

Link: WILL YOU SHUT UP!

Midna: Eee hee hee. I like teasing you.

- Still Later -

Link: What's that guy's heat? He just broke the bridge!

Midna: I think he's being controlled by something.

Link: Let's find a way around...

- Also later -

?: Hey, I'm looking for a blond guy dressed in a green tunic with a sword? Seen anyone like that around? Ganon asked me to kill him.

Link: What the Q?

He doesn't know what to think of the guy at first, but he knows one thing for sure: He's a darkhorse rider. As in he's riding a black horse.

?: Mah boi. Answer me. Have you seen him anywhere? I'm getting impatient.

Link: Is it just me, or do you look like Phantom Ganon from Ocarina of Time?

PG: Wait a minute...Did I wander into the wrong forest temple? Aww nuts. *teleports away*

Link: Way to make an incredibly lame cameo appearance.

Midna: Did you even notice that he was completely oblivious to the fact that you look exactly like his description? I mean, I was practically laughing back there. It was so funny. What? Don't glare at me like that!

- even later than that -

Link and Midna stop to survey their progress through the temple thus far.

Link: Why are we even saving these monkeys anyway?

Midna: Because we need them to get farther into the temple. What's wrong with it? We might even get something out of helping them, Eee hee.

Link: First of all, they're itchy, furry fleabags that throw their own poop. Second, one just slobbered all over my slingshot! It's like having five Talos on me at once!

Midna: *Yawn* I'm just going to sit down with my doughnuts until you're ready to move on.

Link: Ugh.

- Here we go again -

Link: OH MY GOSH IT'S A GIANT PLANT!

Midna: It's just a big Deku Baba. Just snap its neck off so we can get out of this dump.

- so bored -

Link: Well, we have four of these flea-ridden beasts now. Let's cross this bridge.

The monkeys leap single file and grapple onto each other to create a makeshift rope. Link hesitantly jumps and swings across, then heads through the door.

Link: It's that same baboon guy we "met" earlier.

Link locks eyes with the pugnacious baboon and in a split second, the baboon shoots his boomerang, which clips Link on the nose.

Link: OUCH! That hurts!

The baboon slaps his ambiguous case*.

Link: Trying to taunt me, are you?

He rolls into the post just as Mr. Butt-slapper tosses his boomerang. The startled baboon falls off his perch, landing on the ground.

Link: I'm way too genre savvy to not know that every time an enemy has some glowing, or emphasized...area... on their body, it must be their weak spot.

Link swipes his sword across the baboon's exposed butt.

Link: How do you like that, Volcano-Cheeks?

The bug that had latched itself to the baboon's forehead falls off. The baboon slowly turns around, then quickly darts off from embarrassment.

Midna: Hey! He left his perfectly good boomerang just lying there on the ground! You can take it!

Link: Sounds good to me.

Link picks up the boomerang and gets an unexpected surprise.

FOW: I'm the fairy of winds that resides within this boomerang.

Link: So lemme guess. It can create gusts of wind when you throw it.

FOW: Alright...I'll just shut up now.

Link turns to exit the room only to be met with a rather _untimely_ surprise.

SFX Guy: DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!

Link jabs him in the ribs with his new boomerang, then punches him in the gut, rendering him unconscious once more.

Link: I wish that guy would stop following me around.

- Seriously, what is it with these transitions? -

Link and Midna find themselves in yet another puzzle-bearing room comprising of a central strip of land surrounded by water on both sides. On the other end is a blockade of large boulders. Link's attention is drawn towards a lone bomb bug in the corner.

Link: Ok, so there's a bomb and some boulders. I think I can solve this.

Link tries to pick up the bomb and throw it at the rocks, but the bomb would not achieve a high enough height.

Link: I give up.

Midna: Did you try Z-targeting the bomb and then the rocks?

Link: I never would have thought of that. Wait a minute...What's Z-targeting?

Midna: I have no idea. Ask the readers.

Link looks at the bomb and throws his boomerang. The contraption whirls around and picks up the bomb. He then turns his attention to the boulders. The boomerang makes a sharp turn and heads straight for its target. The boulders violently blast out of the way, revealing a previously veiled alcove. It was like he could redirect the boomerang with his mind or something. Link doesn't know how it happened, but he takes it anyway.

- yawn -

Link stops in front of the intimidating boss door and hesitates before going inside. The door shuts behind him. He emerges in a room with an ocean of odious-smelling, purple goo at the far end of the room. Noting the two bomb-like insects placed conveniently at the room's center, Link hesitantly steps forward.

Link: It's way too quiet. And I'll probably never be able to eat grape jelly again.

Suddenly, Two plant-like appendages rise from the lake of poison. An acidic slime begins seeping out of their snarling jaws. Link remains transfixed in a state of trepidation at the sight of this new menace.

Link hardly has any time to react before he sees some wierd holographic text. It read: Masked Jungle Warrior Odolwa.

*beep*

Me: Excuse me audience, but we are currently experiencing some technical difficulties at the moment. We will be back in just a short while.

- Meanwhile... -

Me: Alright! Who messed with the boss subtitles? We have a job to do here!

Transition Guy: It was me.

Me: The next time that happens, you're fired- got it?

TG: Yes M'am.

- Back to the story -

This time the RIGHT boss subtitle comes up, reading: Twilit Parasite Diababa.

Recovering his mindset, Link swiftly pulls out his relatively new Gale Boomerang from his pouch.

Link: It's an ongoing trend in adventure games that the boss is weak to whatever item you find in the dungeon, so...

Link immediately hurls his boomerang at the bomb, then focuses on redirecting it towards the organic menace. The bomb successfully blows up one of Diababa's budded heads, and the boomerang comes back unharmed. Repeating the process, Link manages to send both buds back into the sea of goo.

Link looks around in confusion as a violent quake disturbs the quiescence of his victory. The shaking intensifies as a newer, more ferocious monster rises, along with the other two "buddies" he fought just moments earlier. To Link's astonishment, the poisonous liquid spills out and engulfs the bombs- this monster's only weakness. In addition, the poison now spans three quarters of the room, leaving Link with little space for his maneuvers. The monstrosity begins spewing a vile, acidic substance from its maw.

Link: (Dodges acid) Great. Just great. How am I supposed to do this now? *sigh*

Suddenly, the baboon that Link had previously fought swoops down along a rope, flying past Link with a bomb clasped in its lower limbs. Link's hope renews and he meticulously focuses on aiming his boomerang a little ahead of the swinging monkey. It takes him a few tries, but on the third attempt Link finally is able to time his throw just right. The bomb sails towards Diababa (Triababa) and strikes its head with significant force. It releases a pained screech as it tumbles down and crashes on the ground. Link takes this opportunity to slash away at the eyeball on the very tip of the monster's "tongue", but it regains its senses a fleeting moment later and pulls its damaged head back up to an erect position.

As the fight continues, Diababa begins acting even more aggressive. Link is splashed with a wave of acid as he struggles to keep up with its increasingly rapid movements. He groans in pain at the substance eating away at his flesh, but he forces himself to ignore it and keep fighting. It takes Link a total of six cycles to bring the monster to its knees. Even though it doesn't have any knees.

The poison goo in the room recedes into nothingness and leaves behind an enigmatic object that seems to radiate darkness. Link approaches the object with caution.

Link: What is this thing? It's so...mysterious.

Midna: That's a fused shadow. Unfortunately for you, I'm not going to tell you what it does just yet. Eee hee.

Link: So typical. I'll just grab my heart container and leave now.

SFX Guy: DA-

Link: (punches SFX Guy in the gut again) How did you recover so quickly? And that's not even the right sound effect!

Link touches the heart container, and all of the cuts, bruises, and wounds he had sustained throughout his journey disappear. It does not, however, get rid of the acid on his tunic. He then steps into the blue portal to exit the place.

* * *

><p>This Chapter is brought to you by Tingle! Remember kids, Tingle + Giraffe = Awesome Face!<p>

**PS: If any of you have any comments, questions, ideas, or feedback, please don't hesitate to tell me. I openly welcome criticism, but say it politely. I have to go now because Tingle is just about to burst out of my closet and Link is pestering me for a tennis ball. See ya next chap.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: The Reunion**

Link stands in the Faron Spring as he struggles to wash out all of the acid, purple slime, and monkey saliva out of his cap and tunic. He squirts out some lilac-scented shampoo that he stol..._borrowed _from Ilia's bathroom and runs his fingers through his vibrant blond hair, stopping for a moment to marvel at his nice, smooth, muscular... I'm going too far with this, aren't I?

Link: Why does this stuff have to be so sticky? I want to rest for a moment.

Link tries to curl up, but it doesn't feel quite right. It takes a moment for him to realize he isn't a wolf and lies down on his back, closing his eyes.

- One Half Hour Later -

Midna: Get up! Get up! Why do I have to deal with such a lazy hero? (stops for a moment to plop a doughnut in her mouth) GET UP!

Link is jostled by her voice and jumps out of his position.

Link: Oh my gosh Midna, I just had the strangest dream! A talking tree died, some Gorons tried to give me a death hug, and I GOT ENGAGED TO A Q'ING FISH!

Midna: Let's count the number of references to Ocarina of Time that we've had in this story...

Link: Alright. Let's go.

- One uneventful trip through Faron Woods later... -

Link: I finally get to go out of the forest.

Link glances over his shoulder and notices some unexpected company. That is, the SFX guy beat boxing while playing the Hyrule Field music on the oboe. Link responds to this by snatching the oboe on a rather squeaky concert D and jamming it into the SFX Guy's...area. He then punches SFX Guy in the gut, rendering him unconscious.

Link: How does this guy keep following us? He's always as good as new every single time!

Postman: (nasally) HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

Link: Hey! I was trying to rant!

Postman: Mail for Mr. Link.

The postman pulls out twenty envelopes and hands them to Link. Link looks through the letters and sees that most of them are from obsessed fan girls who want to marry him or know about his relationship with Ilia/Zelda/Midna.

Link: Stupid shippers.

Postman: Onward to Mail! (leaves)

After an incredibly short walk through Hyrule Field, Link spots another ornate Wall of Twilight in his path.

Midna: You want me to let you in?

Link: Here we go again...

- Inside the Twilight -

Link: Hey! That looks like Talo's wooden sword! It even smells like it. Eww...

Midna: Now that you know his scent, you can follow it and possibly find him and the others.

Link: That makes sense.

Midna: No duh. Lead the way, doggy-bro!

Link: Don't call me that. And I want a tennis ball.

Midna: No comment.

Following the youngster's scent, Link is suddenly caught off guard when three Shadow Beasts fall down via the giant, swirly portal thingy in the sky. He quickly dispatches them with an energy field courtesy of Midna. They continue onwards and soon find themselves at a broken bridge.

Link: BRO-KEN BRIIIIIDGE! I HATE THOSE THINGS!

Midna: I think I remember seeing a bridge somewhere in Faron woods. Those portals are like warps. We can get there and back in no time.

Link: How are we going to carry the bridge?

Midna: Say hello to infinite inventory space! It's how I carry around all of your gear and tennis balls when you're a wolf.

Link: That's convenient. Let's go.

It took them three tries to warp to the bridge's location; they were greeted by a swarm of keese and an oblivious postman along the way. On the third try, they spotted the bridge and some truck.

Midna: It looks like the warp mechanics in this adventure are kind of screwy. Hey, there's those fourth wall repair guys I called three chapters earlier! Do you know how many doughnut boxes I had to go through while waiting? I swear, the people on the other side of that thing are crazy!

Me: Hey! I resent that!

Link: How did you even call them anyway? I thought cell phones didn't exist. And trucks. And the note on the side of said truck says that our fourth wall is beyond repair.

Midna: Oh yeah. Let's just get that bridge.

Midna uses her super awesome laser ninja wrowbawttzq princessy twilight dissolvey powers to bring the bridge into her infinite inventory space. They then warp back to Kakariko Gorge and dump the load back to its former location.

Link: Well, now that that's over with...

After crossing the bridge, Link's inherent failure to navigate causes him to crash head first into a gate. Hoping to mitigate his problem, he integrates a function and derives that he should dig under said gate. Link's still disheveled mind is greeted with three (more) shadow beasts, one of them holding a very lengthy SAT vocabulary list. Link beats the lone one first, then disposes of the last two with Midna's energy field. The familiar swirly portal thingy forms in the sky.

Link: This is Kakariko village, huh. I expected something a bit more like Ordon. Hey, its one of those springs!

Link walks up to the spring.

Eldin's Voice: It's all cool, hero. Just take this vessel of light and fill it up with tears, kay? I'll kinda just stand here 'till you finish your thing.

Link: Light spirits. They're all weird.

SFX Guy: DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!

Text Box Guy: You got the vessel of light! It sits on the side of the screen and blocks stuff! The PO of PO refuses to raise my salary! I'm going off on tangents! I need a mug of coffee!

Link: How...did...you...guys...follow...me...in...here...

SFX Guy: What's he barking about? Don't growl at me, now.

Link headbutts SFX Guy in the gut and knocks him unconscious. Utilizing the power of the fourth wall, he pulls out the Megaton Hammer and whacks the other guy in the head, however he manages that. Then, a blue fairy comes out and chastises him about stealing some other guy's hammer when he's about to play whack a mole with a freaking dragon inside a volcano.

Midna: Ocarina of time reference number...what was it?

Link: There's someone over in that window!

Barnes: I can't believe I have to babysit those darn brats when I could be exploding stuff in my shop.

Midna: Link, let's climb up here. There's a hole in the ceiling.

Link lets Midna guide him to the top of the house, then they drop through the ceiling. Link gets a very big surprise.

- Cut Scene Time! Yay! -

The young kids are huddled up next to a man dressed in robes. Another man is telling the kids a story.

Barnes: Besides! You know what happened to that person who got cornered by those beasts. A whole gang from town came to go save her, and guess what? There was no sign of her, and there were TWO monsters waitin'! You connectin' the dots? That means if we get attacked, then we'll all be-

Renado: BARNES! You're scaring the children!

Barnes: There's got to be some other place we can hide.

Barnes lights a torch and starts to skid across the floor in an impossible manner.

Whoever says this line: I wouldn't do that if I were you. I saw insect-like beasts like the ones outside.

Colin: I just know Link will save us.

- End Cut Scene. And now for a somewhat abridged version of Link's bug hunt -

Link picks up the lit torch and walks around the room, lighting more torches. The cellar suddenly opens up. Link drops through and spots three bugs. He kills all of them, heads out of the house, and goes to the graveyard. There he finds his fourth bug and kills it, then heads over to the General Store. Another bug, another tear, this is really drab. I'm going on to the interesting parts now.

Near the middle of his drab bug quest, Link heads inside a decrepit shack. The bugs that are inside scurry underneath a wall. Link's only option was to grab a stick and smoke them out. As he does, however, the building catches fire.

Midna: We'd better evacuate this place. I'm getting out of here. If you were wise, you'd follow.

Link and Midna exit the huge bonfire and get to see it explode. After the fireworks display, Link collects the residual tears.

- Meanwhile -

Barnes: Aww, man! I imported those explosives from Gamelon! And the shack was from Termina! Whoever did that is going to PAY!

- Back to our arsonists -

Upon entrance to death mountain, Link sees a giant flaming rock fall from the sky. Because if you want to make something cool, all you need to do is set it on fire. Link soon finds a rock with a tune emanating from it. He decides to howl along with it. For a warm up, Link goes through all 12 of his major scales and all forms of minor, plus all of the modes for each: Dorian, Mixolydian, Lydian, Locrian, Phyrgian, and Aeolian. Then he howls the nocturne of shadow, the minuet of forest, and finally, the Song of Healing. The stone responds to the last song and Link hears a voice in the distance.

After the tearful quest is over with, Link feels himself being warped back to the spirit spring. A colossal bird stands in front of him.

Eldin: Yo, kid. Good job back there. I'm gunna go now, so yeah.

Link: That was weird.

Midna: Tell me about it.

* * *

><p>This Chapter is brought to you by Telma's Bar! Come enjoy some of man-over-21's best friend and a whole bunch of cleavage that should not be shown in a video game! That was dirty...<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: The Moment We've All Been Waiting For...**

Our Protagonists leave off inside the house of the Shaman, Renado, after an incredibly boring extermination and some arson.

Renado: So, as I was saying, the Gorons are kind of-

Talo: OH MY GOSH LINK YOU'RE BACK WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I-mmmmmph!

Renado: AS I WAS SAYING, the Gorons are messed up right now. One moment, they welcome us onto Death Mountain. Another, and they're rejecting us like some sort of vermin. I wonder what's gotten into them...

Link: I guess I'd have to see it for myself. I could try to talk some sense into them.

Renado: Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Link exits the house and treks up the path to Death Mountain. As soon as he climbs up the ledge, however, he is greeted with a rocky surprise.

Goron: NO HUMANS ALLOWED!

The Goron rolls down the slope with no hesitation. Link, determined to stand his ground, plants his feet and assumes a goat-wrangling stance. This did nothing to stop the Goron as it plowed right through Link like he was made of wet tissue paper.

Goron: That'll teach you not to mess with us, puny human. You are no match for us.

Link: *Groan* I will never do that again.

Midna: I actually enjoyed that. (eats doughnut)

Renado: I told you so. The Gorons only recognize strength, and the only person I know who managed to gain their trust is that Bo guy from Ordon. He had some sort of secret.

Link: Are you telling me that I have to go all the way back to my village on foot?

As if on cue, Epona comes riding in like wild and charges right through Link as she tries to shake the Bulbins off her back.

Link: Epona! Ouch! Why the Q did you do that?

Renado: Watch your language.

Link: Sorry.

Link finally manages to latch onto the wild horse's back. Epona shows no sign of calming down at first, recklessly plowing through grass and threatening to impale Link on the sides of the canyon several times. Nevertheless, Link continues to hold on for dear life. As Epona veers sharply to the left to avoid the oncoming rock wall, Link manages to seize hold of the reins and bring the horse under his control once more.

Midna: Your steed will make the trip to Ordon much easier.

Link: Whatever. I hope that when I get there, I won't have to do anything crazy like wrestle Mayor Bo or anything like that. They wouldn't be THAT cruel. He. He he. He he he.

Midna: He he.

- Ordon Village -

Link: WHAAAAT!

Mayor Bo: Yep! In order to learn my secret, you must wrestle me! Come on, take your shirt off.

Link: The fan girls are probably screaming right now.

Me: You got that right.

Link: No comment.

Mayor Bo leads Link into a huge room with a circular platform in the center. Link and the Mayor position themselves on opposite ends of said circle. Mayor Bo stomps the ground with a ferocity combined with sheer weight, causing the whole room to shake. Link, on the other hand, could barely squash an insect.

Mayor Bo: Let the wrestling match begin!

Link looks over to the side and sees the SFX guy let out a sumo cry.

Link: Just a minute. Duty calls.

Link jumps out of the ring and punches the SFX guy in the gut, making him unconscious once again.

Link: Now that that's over with...

Link and Mayor Bo are suddenly locked arm-to-arm with each other, each with the goal of knocking the other out of the ring. Link is surprised that he is even able to budge the mass of fat and muscle right in front of him. Despite his desperate attempts, Link soon finds himself helplessly on the ground, covered in both his and Mayor Bo's sweat.

Mayor Bo: Do you want to try again?

Link: *Groan* Yes.

It takes him another five tries to successfully beat Bo at his own game.

Link: (goes unconscious)

Mayor Bo: Now you have to do it all again! And this time, I will fight you as one of the Gorons.

Midna: Give him a minute. He's kind of out at the moment.

Mayor Bo: Who are you? Are you and Link hooked up together or something?

Midna: Are...What? For your information, tubby, I am a princess who has the ability to hide in Link's shadow and if you think even for a second that we're on that road, then you will personally pay for it!

Mayor Bo: Ok, sure. Let's go with that.

Link: ...Tennis balls...

Midna: Looks like he's up. Hey! Get up, lazy! (eats doughnut)

Link: Alright. Fine.

Seeing as how Link just passed out from the exercise, Mayor Bo decides to skip the second wrestling match and go straight to the boots part.

Mayor Bo: There is a chest inside that room over there. Inside is my secret to befriending the Gorons. Don't share this secret with ANYONE, especially that Renado.

Link: Whatever.

Link looks over his shoulder as he opens the chest. Suddenly, the SFX Guy pops out of the chest with a rather rusty looking pair of boots.

SFX Guy: DA DA DA DAAAAAA!

Text Box Guy: You got the Iron Boots! They're so heavy, not even a Goron will be able to move you! Because obviously wearing a pair of really heavy boots makes your upper body like steel too! You'll also drown! Yay for drowni-

Link harnesses the power of his new tool and whacks the Text Box Guy on the head with the Iron Boots. He then jams the hilt of his sword into SFX Guy's gut and knocks him unconscious.

Link: Yay for drowning if it's them.

Link heads out of Mayor Bo's house, mounts Epona, and proceeds back towards Kakariko Village. On the way, he learns a new technique called the Shield attack from the Hero's Shade, but this chapter is already long enough as it is.

- Kakariko Village -

KB: Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. I will now attack this here village for no reason! Pick up the pace, Scruffy!

KB charges menacingly towards a petrified Beth, who stands still in trepidation.

Colin: OH NOES! Beth is about to be charged by that same monster thingy that attacked us in the spring!

Colin suddenly springs up and pushes Beth over to the side, taking the hit for her.

Colin: *Groan* (falls unconscious)

KB: I am now going to tie you to a stick and run around like a doofus until that hero guy shows up!

- Meanwhile -

Midna: Did you see that? That monster just rammed Colin, tied him to a stick, and is now running around on his mount like a doofus! This is pretty entertaining!

Link: Which side are you on, Midna?

Link kicks harshly into Epona's side, causing her to dash full speed ahead. He makes a face out of sheer determination and raises his sword to the challenge. KB, on the other hand, still runs about like a moron as he grips the huge pole with Colin carelessly fastened to it. The monster suddenly makes a mad dash for the field with Link following in pursuit.

Link: Why are you so bent on hurting us? Just go fall off a bridge already!

KB: I'm just doing this because I'm evil and this part is integral to the plot.

Link: I don't care who you are, but I'm not letting you hurt Colin!

Epona suddenly gains speed, catching up to the huge boar. Link calls fourth all of the energy he can muster and unleashes it all in one swift spin attack. The Bulbin King still persists despite the huge, oozing, green wound on his side. A horn suddenly bellows out, soon followed by a hoard of regular Bulbins riding regular boars. Link struggles to remain next to the colossal beast as an arrow whizzes past his left arm. Letting loose another spin attack, Link runs right through the crowd of reinforcements and knocks all but two off their mounts. KB then makes a sharp turn to get behind his foe, but Link is quick to react with yet another spin attack. KB then dashes towards some kind of stone bridge. Link and Epona race onto the bridge seconds after, only to realize that they are trapped.

Link: Just what I need...Jousting. Well, this brings some cruel irony into the story. The bridge, I mean.

KB and Link both press their respective mounts forward. It seems as if they would ram into each other, but at the last second, Link veers to the right and unleashes a powerful spin attack. KB is thrown off the bridge with incredible force. After an epic pose on the bridge with Epona on her hind legs, Link works hard to untie Colin from the pole.

Link: Well, that was unexpected.

- Kakariko Village -

Colin: Link, I think I now know what it means to be brave.

Midna: Alright, cut the Q'ing heartwarming crap. We need to go get our next fused shadow.

Link: Aww man.

- Meanwhile, at the general store... -

Malo: This is only the first step in my plot to take over the world! Mwah Haw Haw! I shall call it...Malo Mart!

Link: Hey Malo.

Malo: Haw haw...oh, hello Link. Welcome to Malo Mart! What do you want?

Link: Well, a friend suggested that I buy a new shield because my wooden one won't hold up where I'm going.

Malo: If you want that Hylian Shield up there, that'll be 200 rupees.

Link hands the money to the precocious child in exchange for the ornate shield.

Malo: Well, if you're not going to buy anything else, I suggest you stop wasting both my time and my money by leaving.

Link: Fine. (leaves)

Link then ventures off towards Death Mountain for another round of rock and roll.

Goron: Haven't you learned your lesson, puny human? You cannot best us!

This time, as the Goron rolls, Link puts on his Iron Boots.

Link: Time to see if these things actually work.

Link plants his feet in a goat-wrangling stance and hopes for the best. Just when Link looks like he's about to get plowed through again, he suddenly grabs the Goron and tosses it onto the ledge below. Link does this with several more Gorons as he makes his way up the mountain. Along the way, he has to use Gorons as a boost to get to certain ledges.

- At the top -

Gor Coron: It's not like someone is just going to come barging in here right now, is it?

Link: Well, what is this? Calculus 101 or something?

Goron Bob: An intruder!

Goron Steve: A human, at that!

Goron Joe: Get him!

Gor Coron: Stop it! Is this man such a threat that all six of you must gang up on him at once?

Goron John: It was his idea!

Gor Coron: It doesn't matter whose idea it was. Little human, I refuse to permit entry into these mines. They are sacred to our tribe.

Link: Why do things always have to be like this?

Gor Coron: Our Patriarch has been transformed into a huge monster and has gone berserk. We had no choice but to seal him deep inside these mines. If you wish to gain entry, you must defeat me in a wrestling match.

Link: Ugh. Fine. (fastens Iron Boots)

- After an epic Sumo Match -

Link: Yay!

* * *

><p>This Chapter is brought to you by Malo Mart. Again.<p> 


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